A Budget story of a different kind !!

Once upon a time there was a man called Chidu living with his small family of 246 people. His predominant errand around the house was to look after the finances of the house. They had some real nosy neighbours who meddled into their scheme of things and always objected at whatever this poor soul did. But little this lungi clad number crunching simpleton know what was in store for him. Tired of the taunts made by the neighbours, his 'Near Complete Indian' mom with slight Italian roots asked him to step up and be the man. He was asked to do the near impossible but the deeds were under his skillset. Declare a budget which will not just please the neighbours but also the Gods and make his family an instant favorite among the villagers.

Up stepped Chidu closely watched by Asardar uncle and the village headman Shendi. A bow of the head to the septuagenarian Miraji and he started his speech with some assertiveness. He was not shy to accept some of the past mistakes the village and specifically his family had done. On the flip side he gave some of highly diabetes laden sweeteners which definitely made some eyes sparkle with ghee ... sorry glee !!

He was in a dilemma where he had to keep the family's head held high which meant that mellow down the errors. On the other hand .. since we are on this .. hand was their family emblem. Whoaa, you didnt see that coming, did you ?? So, some of the points which he made where as a disguise in front of the villagers. Populist was the word here. He walked this tightrope pretty well considering the situation he was put in.

First point was to reduce fiscal deficit faced by the village. Time to rake in the revenue and curb the expenditure. The unheralded stack of grain was supposed to go out of this procrastinating land on a regular basis in order to maintain some parity. Room for expenditure was increased but that was in due consideration that there will be more Chintus and Pintus this fiscal. Also another more grave point was the excess imports over exports. Chidu named it as CAD so that the villagers feel it is some high society acronym. Quite a stellar fellow this guy. This gave the clear indication, dont run behind precious yellow metals and oil. That is just for the metros and suburbs. Just in case you wish to be behind the precious, show some self sustenance or atleast minimal dependency. Some laughed, some passed sly remarks, Chidu stood tall adjusting his lungi.

For the villagers there were some cheers while there was some booing. The high end animal carts were made dearer. Engine driven carts even more. The rich were flabbergasted. The carts producing local even more. What even enraged them more was there beloved chiroots and hookahs were to come at bomb of a price. The men slightly annoyed while the women exchanged hi fives. No more idle-sitting, chiroot-smoking man of the house. One even imagined mustache wielding better half of her sucking on a lollipop instead of a cigar. Import duties on expensive gadgets was increased as well. All the clauses were going in the direction of sucking the rich high and dry. Some of the wealthy had seen enough and were leaving for their respective mansions. The parting shot was the 10% extra tax levied on those earning more than the village average. Gaping mouths. Shitting bricks.

Well there was another flavor to this budget. Power to the women. Chidu announced a fully functional all women money lending organization. This one was for the women, by the women and of the women. Female Finance Democracy. Women did the fist bumps while moneylenders did the facepalms. Chidu smiles. Chidu, you playboy !!

There were various new schemes introduced for the village investors based on the names of leaders of yesteryears. A ploy well worked. The average villagers tax problems were solved with introduction of nominal but important tax credit. The tax slabs were the same and so were the sentiments of people. Much of the emphasis was kept on the people at large.

Shifting the focus to the people outside, Chidu made some smart moves. Simplification of investment norms meant that the rich metros will invest in the village produce and realty. Special provisions and funds were allotted to building warehouses too. All were ominous signs for investment from outside. There was postponement of RAAG, the retrospective tax laws.

There were points aplenty but that we will leave to the Oswals and Jains to brainstorm upon. This was just what the young man Chidu did. He ended his account with a sonnet from his favorite poet. This budget had now officially seen it all. Emotions galore. Chidu steps down and walks the walk. #LikeABoss

Gentleman's Game or new Circus in Town !!

India is a nation which breathes sports and the mother of all sports here is Cricket. Well thats wrong on some levels. If cricket is introduced as a religion, people wont think twice to jump across and adopt it in the same way how Dhoni has adopted Ravindra Jadeja. Even the most minute of any cricketing activity takes place, people sit and take notice. Just no mere noticing facts, but we will take those couple of steps ahead and chew and ruminate these facts. Finally spit the by product, sometimes its a piece of news or moral while some other time its a whole individual. Now I feel how Aditya Pancholi feels. Bollywood is so cruel !!

So when India witnessed one of its precursors to another Cricket-esque circus i.e. IPL auction, the excitement of the commoners knew no bounds. For a country where the movie heroes take oaths of being above any kind of money and lust, these cricketers go under the hammer as easy as taking candy away from a baby. Are these cricketers mere puppets in this entire glamour show ? Lets ask Mr. Manmohan Singh ... ... ... ... Ok .. so moving on !! *Awkward*

So even if the world at large seems to struggle in terms of economic conditions, here at the IPL auction there were some deep pockets being emptied on the table and everyone was all in !! This being the sixth auction, the nine teams which were a part of this gala event spent a combined total of $11.89 million (Rs.64 crore approximately) on purchasing 37 players, as against 25 players at last year's event. So the usual suspects were there, the MIs and the CSKs but apart from that there was one major change. The Deccan's charge no more existed and was replaced by Sun TV channel sponsored Sun Risers - A new team from Hyderabad.

The story of the entire auction was Aussie Aussie Aussie !! Yay Yay Yay !! The major coup being Glenn Max (All is) Well. The Victorian all rounder fetched a massive $1 million from Mumbai Indians. The biggest price in the auction. Melbourne just witnessed the Maxwell family doing a series of cartwheels and standing sommersaults on the streets. Also there were big paydays for some of the little heard Aussie boys like Kane Richardson, Coulter-Nile and Ben Laughlin. Not to forget Mr. Punter - Ricky Ponting who will be seen sharing tele space with the Little Master Sachin Tendulkar himself when they open the innings for Mumbai Indians in the coming season. Some of the other prominent players to go under the hammer where Michael Clarke, Darren Sammy and Ajantha Mendis. Abhishek Nayar was the top grossing Indian with almost 7 times the base amount. The comic relief of the day went to Sun RISERS when they signed Quinton De KOCK .. quite a match this !!

Setting up this grand affair only cost millions of bucks plus the hospitality of the bidders. And taking a leaf out of this money spinning book, people are setting up their own versions for every sport. There is already a Hockey League in place based on this. iLeague (football)was already there, trust me it was. Now we have Badminton and Boxing planning competitions and leagues on similar business model. Even our Bollywood celebrities are not far behind. They have their own cricket variation - Celebrity Cricket League with the Veer Marathis & Bhojpuri Dabangs. Time will come when there will be Kite Flying Super League or Marbles Champions League. 

The names or the players that were auctioned were not surprising. After all they are talented individuals who have done well for club or country. However the money spent on them and the manner in which it is spent. Phenomenal amount of money is spent sometimes even on unproven talent. Even Ted Mosby's kids have a better probability of knowing their mother than some of these franchisees knowing how their players can deliver. Gone are the days when the Dames & the Sires were sitting in the pavilions at Lords and appreciating each master cricket shot with an applause set of three claps. Now its all cheer leaders, DJs and vuvuzelas. But life comes a full circle and yours truly is pretty sure that those days will come again. And yes Mr. W.G. Grace is waiting for you !!

The Gold and the Loans !!

With the recent surge in the markets, we saw a big impetus in the books of Gold Loan Financing companies ... The big Ms - Mannapuram n Muthoot finance especially. Even the markets are going ga-ga over the performance. So what exactly is the business model of these Gold Loan financing companies ? 

Many of these companies have been quoting astronomical growth figures, supported by unrelenting demand from a public increasingly looking at gold more as an investment than as a piece of jewellery. Something which has proved to be a big deviation from the otherwise socially conservative Indian culture and the 'whole family jewels need to be safeguarded' issue. Its as strange as Nirupa Roy with extravagant makeup and short skirt partying in Hard Rock Cafe. 

So basically the model works in a very simple manner. Gold jewellery as well as gold in other forms is collected and taken to one of these Gold loan financing companies and kept as collateral for small term say 6 months to one year. In return loan amount upto as high as 10-15 lakhs is transacted to the investor and the gold is kept safe with the organization. The gold is returned once the payment is made. So yeah .. no rocket science.

One more fact to ponder is that what do these organizations do with the gold jewellery in the mean time? Well it just stays with them in the safe lockers and no, it is neither showcased on their public mannequin Bappi Lahiri's body nor invested further to cover the opportunity cost.

Conveniently speaking, these gold loan financing companies are working more on the lines of probability of default. With the yellow metal in sight, they will obviously look towards the investors to default so that the 'Precious' can be there's to keep. Thats why all the terms and conditions are super lucrative which make the risk averse of all drool away in greed. As opposed to 12-15% interest rate on personal loans, people are still opting for 20-24% gold loan rate as it is still better than 35 odd % offered by the unorganized moneylenders. Enough of the numbers coz numbers do not justify anything, ask poor Wasim Jaffer !! Bad Bad Srini uncle !!

Another thing which acts in the favour of these gold loans is that you get the loan with the minimum of fuss and that too in a jiffy. It is said that the loan amount is said to be transferred in just an hour. Some gold loan financing institutions guarantee transfer of money in 6 minutes flat. Thats a laymen equivalent of 6 cups of ready to eat noodles. Phenomenal !!

Secondly, minimal paperwork is what is asked for. Just a photo ID and one pan card copy here or passport copy there should do the trick. No credit history is asked. Infact there is a huge advantage if the investor defaults. It works well for those people to whom regulated banks and NBFC wont give loans. Again a win-win for the parties involved.

The next and one of the decisive fact about these Gold loan financing companies is the penetration of the same across India. Each nook and corner seems to be having an office of a gold loan company. There might not be a convenience store but gold loan finance we have !! No wonder the market share of the Big Ms has risen to almost 1/3rd of the organized market. Let the celebrations begin !!

Finally these companies are leaving no stone unturned. Roping in celebrities, regional or even the Tees Maar Khan of Bollywood for promotions is like the ultimate step. And yes, in this celebrity inspired innocent India its working. So we leave you with one glimpse of the brand ambassador of a gold loan company, telling you what to do to the worries once you are their member - A big Bye Bye !!

The Sachin Tendulkar Conundrum

Finally we witnessed the day when we the tears could not be held back, no I did not mean the unofficial retirement of Uday Chopra from Bollywood, it is the official retirement of the Master Blaster from One Day International cricket. 'Sir' Sachin finally made the call which millions of his fans dreaded he would. Alas ODI cricket is now an orphan.

On the other side, everyone's Facebook & Twitter timelines were flooded with Sachin Tendulkar verbal memorabilia. Right from tribute videos to pictures of you with him, his autograph, his family, his dog (if any), his gardener, his dhobi etc were doing the rounds. There were wisecracks and small puns a plenty. Right from politicians to Page 3 celebs all were dragged into the same tweet or status update to make the pun even more tangy. Those politicians and Page 3 celebs felt good for a change after being put in the same line. I think a tear just rolled down Manmohan Singh's cheek there !!!

Thats just a one day effect on the social platforms, but what about the world at large ?

Has the money churning machine for many a corporates and even the BCCI result into huge losses or lack of revenue !! 

The decision of retirement from one-day cricket will set the stage for a new phase in the life cycle of one of India's most iconic celebrity brands. As his form has dipped in the past few months, many big brands and consumer goods companies have dropped Sachin or significantly reduced the number of his television advertisement spots from their media plans. At present, Tendulkar is the face for about 17 brands and earns between Rs 5 crore and Rs 8 crore per brand annually. Many of his endorsement contracts are set to expire between now and 2014.

Theories have already started that owing to the Master's retirement he will not be a hit among the products targeted towards the youth and would fit the bill with the more matured banking and financial products. So get set to see Tendulkar sell insurance products for Aviva more than bubblegum and biscuits for ITC. Whatever the pundits say, he is and always will be a hit among the millions of fans and yeah the BCCI too for the following reason:

In the mean time, Mr. Sachin Tendulkar will get back to spending more time in many of his other businesses. First of which is the family, and next is his political family. Being a Rajya Sabha MP is no small task and surrounded by the 'Lords' from the Parliament makes it even harder. We all pity his plight. And yes, there is some cricket to look forward to as well. His heart Mumbai is calling for his services against Services. That wordplay came out well !! Pheww !!

There are many other options for the Little Master post his complete retirement. There is commentary where he can again end a few careers there too. Then there is umpiring and even cricket coaching. Away from cricket the master can look forward to benefitting the society and starting his cricket themed restaurants again or start his own merchandising. Or he could just leave this to the Kohlis n Sharmas of this world and concentrate on what he does best - Play Cricket. But yes there is this one additional responsibility, Play God !!

The Modi-fied Elections

From the land of Dandi march this certain Mr. Modi gave a big 'Danda' to the Congress and established his supremacy over the state of Gujarat. Narendra Modi got elected for his third successive term thereby celebrating a hat trick of wins. BJP won 115 seats in the 182 seat assembly but 2 seats short of their victory in 2007. This was the third win under the leadership of Modi but will Modi be there in Gujarat the next time around is a big question. The man set to be the next in line for the Prime Minister of the country, will he stick around in his state rather than going for the big prize ?? That we will see in the next episode of Indian Politics Season 4 presented by Fevicol and Zandu Balm !!

But till then there were celebrations and celebrations galore. The oath taking ceremony had a starcast of its own. Some media reports suggested that even Suraj Barjatiya was awed by the ensemble and wants to replicate the same in his next movie. All the top BJP and NDA leaders made their presence felt and yes Vivek Oberoi was there too. Come on, the guy deserves a special mention. It evolved as a promenade for exchanging notes on the direction of Indian politics and yes some basic minuscule gossip as well.

What followed was a showpiece investment meeting with all the top guns of India Inc. The Ambanis, The Tatas, The Roys and the Adanis were present. Its like taking corporate attendance and each one shouting 'Present teacher'. The program suitably monikered Vibrant Gujarat 2013 but should have actually been called the Modi show !! Not to forget delegates form various companies from the first World countries also made their presence felt.

But the overall picture is very happy and everyone is upbeat about the future. There were huge celebrations in Gujarat. Even the Gujjus in Mumbai organized grand morning parties of jalebi and fafda to commemorate this feat followed by Surati Undhiyo. Dalal street swung to the chants of 'One Mr. Modi' and the industrialists and businessmen developed investo-gasms. Please dont even get me started on the Germans and the Japanese. If one has a penchant for English grammar then this can be put as Gujarat happy, India happier and Japan/Germany happiest !!

So for now its time to dance .. not the Dandiya .. its time for Oppa Gujarat Style !!

Thats the last to be heard from yours truly .. well this year !! Dont get so happy !! We meet next year .. until then Happy New Year !!

The Perfect Hedge !!

India .. once called the Land of Gold now can only visualize gold in bulk in either the luggage compartment of cars in the fake chases of RGV movie or on the dashboard of real Bappi Lahiri. India thrives nowadays on its main five pillars. Politics, Religion, Movies, Cricket and Food !! If you are an Indian and if you are plying your trade in one of these five pillars then you my friend will never go high and dry. No, not the Radiohead song. Its just a matter of when to give preference to which pillar and that small entity called success will be cleaning your doormat. And yes that's the layman definition of Hedging.

Hedging as wikipedia would say 'is an investment position intended to offset potential losses/gains that may be incurred by a companion investment'. All of a sudden I am getting this powerful drive to pay my respects to my elders for completing their education sans Google and Wikis of this world. Massive Respect.

So basically hedging would work in such a way that say if you diversify your biz and when one is in doldrums there should be such a system that the other one is high on drums. And if you are shrewd enough, it will be one freaking orchestra !!

Lets all start with the Chuck Norris of all pillars, Politics !! It is the perennial entity atleast in India which has a sort of  demi God status. Its the supreme of all hedges. You can actually support all the other pillars by hedging them against this. When your political leader is unwell, throng the temples which might be owned by that politician in the first place (High chances). So what is not earned through Politics gets you from Religion. On the flip side, if the political party wins go and put loads on the feet of the Gods. Well the right direction is feet to temple to trust to pockets of the same politician. Can we use 'What goes around, comes around' here ?? Genuine Koschan.

Politics and Movies go deep. Step 1: Make your son an actor/actress. Step 2: Invest money in him/her even if he/she is a dumb wit of the first kind. Step 3: Earn in politics, shower in movie distributions and vice versa. If you did not get this, maybe I will explain Latur .. err I mean Later.

Cricket - India's national sport should actually be India's national hedge. It takes care of everything. Match is not interesting, go while your time away by eating, Food sector is equal to sorted !! Cricket career not the brightest .. build some biceps and put on face whitening creams .. some Ghai or Chopra will cast you for sure. Think Kambli .. I meant calmly (Whats wrong with me !!). And to top it all, when your favourite batsman hits a rough patch (Resemblances are uncanny) then visit the nearest temple to perform the maha yagya !! Just for your kind information, Hockey is still the national sport !!

Food cannot be underestimated under any circumstances. Especially when the circumstance is a fast kept by political leader. On one side it gets you sympathy votes for forthcoming elections and vitamin M for the party's treasury. On the other side when the outer world sleeps the phones of the nearby outlets are abuzz with the gourmet demands of the party workers. Gluttony is a small small word !!

Hedging is not as crude as it sounds or as I made it look. Definitely not the the eighth deadly sin. It has to be used in a good way so that you dont go bust. Gone are the days when hedging was just used in reference to botany. Corporates and Individuals alike, all hedge so that they earn the maximum cheese in this rat race. Now we know that the cheese was not just moved for the heck of it, it got hedged.

Aadhar for People, Support for Government

Aadhar is the moniker given to the Unique Identification Number or some of the marketing enthusiasts would say a 'Brand Name' to the entire UIDAI's process. Unique Identification Authority of India is headed by the once software bigwig Mr. Nandan Nilekani. Nilekani who has a successful software career with Infosys and multi million networth but this advisor to the Government tag is more important. Its more like any European football club is proud of its League title and the Domestic cup win but Champions League win is altogether different.

The UIDAI's mandate is to issue every resident a unique identification number linked to the resident's demographic and biometric information, which they can use to identify themselves anywhere in India, and to access a host of benefits and services. So for now the likes of Shamita Shetty and Tanisha will have a unique identity and not just mere star sisters !!

Recently the Aadhar card came into much news as government announced cash transfer rollout. There is a lot of excitement and anxiety both about the Government's stance over this step. Rather than doling out subsidies in the physical format, a model is developed where cash is transferred directly into the accounts of the beneficiaries. The identification of the eligible beneficiaries is sought to be done on the basis of Aadhar cards. This new identification system will be more than 99% fool proof and hence cannot be corrupted. After hearing this, I wonder the Gangarams of this world will break into a jig and develop a new dancing style. #GangaramStyle

But nothing in India is without hurdles. Be it municipal roads for the Indian cars or off late the English spinners for the Indian batting lineup. Then why an exception to this. The main hurdle is rolling out the remaining cards in just over 18 months and the number is huge. Huge enough for an ordinary citizen but not huge enough for an ordinary politician. For one it relates to a number seen in textbooks for other it is the amount of the scam. Yeah, so the amount is somewhere in the region of 38 crores. Expect last minute rush which would lead to increased inefficiency and even duplicity. Another problem to this magnanimous project is the biometrics. For most of the lesser educated population the word 'biometrics' draws parallels from something taken out from movies like Krisshh and Ra.One. So taking biometric prints that to for labourers and farmers is a difficult task in itself plus their prints vary over lifetime. Also iris scans of the population over 60 is largely unreliable. So if you are a farmer above sixty then you are screwed. Loss of identity alert.

Aadhar is solely dependent on National Population Registrar and the cards are issued to the people covered by them so far. Its like a token oriented line, no matter how empty the line looks you have to wait till that idiot ahead of you comes back from his loo break and gets his thing done. #PersonalWoes. Add to that the guessing game played by the government. They are waiting for the iron to get hot so that they can strike, instead only thing getting hot are people's heads. But the irons, the woods and the putters all will be hot when elections cometh. Golf analogy .. Rory or Tiger will get this !!

Its true that current government will use the cash transfer as that dangling carrot in front of Hungry India, Poor India for votes. Initially the subsidies only will be added to the accounts but slowly but steadily pensions, wages and even scholarships will be routed through. Model is foolproof they say. Model is implemented successfully in Brazil they say. We have got jugaad for everything in India they never said. We dont have everything what Brazil has they never said. Pele, Ronaldo, Adriana Lima and Gisele Bundchen just did a collective facepalm.

So then what next? If this goes ahead, anything and everything will be based on Aadhar card only. A certain meaningful 'conditional' cash transfer will go for a toss. Unless levied with meaningful conditions India will not use it wisely. What starts with subsidies and food, fuels and fertilizers will reach to hoarding, gambling and black marketing in no time. Its like double edged sword which even the wielder needs to be wary about.

How we wish some particular qualities can be distributed through the Aadhar system. Some honesty and dignity for our politicians. Some acting talent and class for our film fraternity especially some heroes and heroines. Some shame for the anti social elements and finally some writing talent for the author. Thanks !!